You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Randomize
