a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
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