I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
