yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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