I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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