Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
