There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
