Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
