You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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