I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
