dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize