Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
