oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
