I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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