shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
