I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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