"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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