When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
