so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
The power of my boobs compel you
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Randomize
