I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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