Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
