You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
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