Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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