I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
