Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
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