so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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