Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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