True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
