I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
