Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
