walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
