Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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