it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
