Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
