I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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