I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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