Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
