remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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