Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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