the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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