I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
