While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
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You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
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We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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