i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
