I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
