like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
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