pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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