He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
