I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
honey bunches of taint.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
