Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
