As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
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