I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
