It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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