I'm so fucking centered right now
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Randomize
