my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
