I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
