My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
