His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
