I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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